Working on Portfolio Options

[Thehoyt]

Hey guys i'm working on a new portfolio and i just got done with my first try at page one of a batman sample script and i wanted to get your opinion on it. i'm looking to improve my skills at penciling as much as possible so any critique is more then welcome. let me know what you guys think and what could use some work and if you can; suggestions on what i can do to work on whatever it is.

hit my where it hurts!

[Thehoyt]

hey after recieving a few critques i'm thinking something more along these lines:

[Thehoyt]

alright after getting some critiques i've taken a second shot at page 1

[Thehoyt]

alright here's my completed third take on this first page

[Thehoyt]

ok i'm going to go back to page one but i feel like i've been working at it too hard so i decided to take a break and go onto page 2 here's my initial sketch for that!

[Carl Shinyama]

The second one was your best attempt. It clearly told the story best.

[Thehoyt]

The second one was your best attempt. It clearly told the story best.

yeah i agree i think my next swing at it will be in that same direction.

here's my first take on page two anyone have any suggestions?

[Bill Nichols]

I'd like to see you do some thumbnails, Hoyt. If you're doing several pages of the script, work on them as a group and work out your pacing. Lay them side-by-side and see what's going on. You may find some inspiration/insights when you see them together...then when you're ready to draw them actual size, you'll have any problems you may run into worked out small with out having to redraw the whole page.

[Casey Campbell]

Hey Hoyt great work so far. I love some of the camera angles you're using on the first page, it adds a lot of drama. On The third attempt of the first page I like the extreme overhead of Gotham...if you were to combine that with your first attempt page I think would be good. Keep up the great work.

[Bill Nichols]

Here's the script Hoyt is working from for comparison..

Batman
by Bill Nichols

Page One
Panel 1
Scene: Establishing shot of a nighttime Gotham City, the moon is full but peering out from behind the clouds. We can see the rougher side of Gotham in the foreground, where the lower income housing and tenements are.
Caption: The poorer side of Gotham seems to know no limits to how far it can go.

Panel 2
Scene: Tighter shot of one street as Gotham PD and EMS sit outside an old rundown. Clumps of the neighborhood gather together watching the drama unfold. Paramedics are bringing out a gurney, carrying a small body covered with a sheet. A very ragged Teddy bear missing one of its eyes pokes just out of the sheet, and we can just barely see the little fingers that held it. Commissioner Gordon, looking sad, turns away from the gurney.
Caption: Children die everyday here, along with everyone else.
Officer Cohen: You okay, sir?

Panel 3
Scene: A small panel as the Teddy bear falls.
Caption: I know I can’t keep them all safe.

Panel 4
Scene: The commissioner looks down, sees the Teddy bear that’s fallen in the gutter.
Commissioner: No, Cohen, I’m not.

Panel 5
Scene: Worm’s-eye view looking at the commissioner and past him at the flying/leaping bat-winged figure silhouetted against the moon toward the tenement.
Commissioner:
Officer Cohen: Uh…yeah.
Caption: But I can see that justice is done.

Page Two
Panel 1
Scene: Batman enters through an open window, its glass cracked and broken. The police are still milling about, putting up caution tape, etc. The nearest officer to the door probably knows that Batman’s there.
Caption: Patrick Lango, age 32, petty thief.

Panel 2
Scene: As the crime scene continues behind him, Batman quickly searches the piled up letters marked OVERDUE NOTICE, etc. and papers strewn about the dresser. Several whiskey bottles, some upright, others tipped over, can be seen in the litter. It’s a mess of a place.
Caption: He may have escaped my notice before, but he has my attention now.

Panel 3
Scene: Batman holds up a book of matches from the Double Dice Room, a seedy local bar.
Caption: He’ll be getting more of it.

Panel 4
Scene: Shots of the discarded whiskey bottles.

Panel 5
Scene: Commissioner Gordon stands in the doorway, the Teddy bear in his hand, a hard look on his face.
Commissioner: She was nine.

Panel 6
Scene: The commissioner hands the bear over. We can see a tear roll down his cheek. It’s a sad business being a policeman. Sometimes you just can’t help the ones who need you the most.
Commissioner: Only nine.


Page Three

Panel 1
Scene: Shot from outside the window as Batman swings away, his cape trailing behind him like a leathery shadow.
Caption: After Barbara was shot, Jim blamed himself for not being able to keep her safe from the Joker’s bullet.

Panel 2
Scene: The Double Dice Room, where the locals hang out, to drink and to forget.

Panel 3
Scene: Patrick Lango sits at the bar, another lost soul among the multitude. He knows it’s bad this time. He’s been drunk before, but he never meant to hurt Mina, not really. She was just in the way. The bartender looks his way.
Bartender: Hey, buddy.
Lango: Gimme anuther…

Panel 4
Scene: Lango starts to get irritated and yells.
Lango: You deaf? I said, get me…

Panel 5
Scene: The place has gone quiet. The bartender stares behind Lango and Lango, looking worried, starts to peer over him own shoulder. In the bottles behind the bartender, we can see what’s there as smaller versions of Batman are reflected in the bottles and the faded old photographs.

Page Four

Panel 1
Scene: Lango tears out the back exit through the people milling about there, doing thier illicit activities, drug deals, drugs, etc.

Panel 2
Scene: Lango falls into the filth of the alleyway.

Panel 3
Scene: He looks up into the fearsome vengeful figure of the Batman.

Panel 4
Scene: Batman drops the Teddy bear in front of him.

Panel 5
Scene: Close-up. Lango knows. He finally realizes. He killed his own little girl

Panel 6
Scene: Lango is in the back of a police car. Commissioner Gordon nods to the far off figure on the rooftop.

Panel 7
Scene: We can see the Batman in shadow, the bat emblem blazing out of the black and barely, just barely, we can see the ears of a ragged little one-eyed Teddy bear.

[Thehoyt]

alright guys sorry for the long delay but here's what i ended up taking to wondercon and actually ended up getting some very constructive critiques from all of the creators and editors i show them to









thanks again to bill nichols for the script and everyone who helped me put these together, now on to the next one!

-H

[Bill Nichols]

Hoyt, I'm glad you took the opportunity to get it out there and get other opinions.

[Thehoyt]

Hoyt, I'm glad you took the opportunity to get it out there and get other opinions.

thanks bill!

[Bill Nichols]

Keep at it. Keep working and learning.

[Dave Arhar]

Since you're willing to take criticism for your work, I feel you're already ahead of many artists out there. It's not easy. But the fact that you're willing to work through a problem, not be satisfied with just "pretty good", dig in between the gutters and tough it out, now that's a great quality for an artist to have. Stay with that, and I think you're going to achieve whatever you set out to accomplish.

[Thehoyt]

Since you're willing to take criticism for your work, I feel you're already ahead of many artists out there. It's not easy. But the fact that you're willing to work through a problem, not be satisfied with just "pretty good", dig in between the gutters and tough it out, now that's a great quality for an artist to have. Stay with that, and I think you're going to achieve whatever you set out to accomplish.

thank you for the words of encouragement!